i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
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