we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I need moral support for this bender
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
