My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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