I was born with a shot glass in my hand
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
