We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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