You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
it's great music for shaving your balls
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
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