cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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