So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
