i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
