Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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