Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
