She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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