He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize