we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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