He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
