There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
