i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
