Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
