well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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