i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
