I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
