I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize