chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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