Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
