When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
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