My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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