my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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