after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Randomize
