its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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