If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize