Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I think my moral compass just broke
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize