Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Randomize
