He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
