In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize