I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
