Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize