you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
