i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
