What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He shit in the fireplace
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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