if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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