My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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