his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I lost the right to judge tonight
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
