he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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