Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
