apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
