is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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