so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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