i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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