her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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