I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
