That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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