Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
