Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
