His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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