At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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