I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
