i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
The ass gains better be worth it
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