What a fucking waste of an outfit
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
We need to rekindle our bromance
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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