Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Your penis caused this!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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