Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Randomize
