Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize