I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
