How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
