I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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