I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
