If that was your dad, he is hot
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
