I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
