thus making me awesome and them whores
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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