hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
