if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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