I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
