Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
