You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
