I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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