I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
