i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
